


a sleepless night with Peter Nureyev

by stunojeel



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Angst, M/M, for future consideration, i was sad so have some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24067660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stunojeel/pseuds/stunojeel
Summary: There were some things you just couldn't file under 'For Future Consideration', especially when it was 3 am and you were alone with your thoughts.It was time for Nureyev to reorganize that filing cabinet.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	a sleepless night with Peter Nureyev

**Author's Note:**

> the alternative title for this fic was "For Future Consideration" and it gets brought up a lot. besides, who doesn't love some nureyev angst?

Peter Nureyev couldn't sleep.

He'd been tossing and turning for hours, trying to let the tiredness that plagued his mind seep into his bones but to no avail. With the comforting roar of the engine of the Carte Blanche and Jet's snoring through the walls, the ambience felt off. All his nerves were on fire and he couldn't seem to relax. He was always like this after a particularly complicated heist. He would be on edge for days while his body adjusted back into regular life and today's, or rather yesterday's, was no easy feat. It would take weeks to shake off the feeling of his hairs standing on end. He rubbed his face and sighed, running a hand through his messy dark hair. His brain was going a million miles an hour; A backlog of files under 'For Future Consideration' was making his head hurt. If he dug a little deeper he'd find old aliases or memories he'd rather keep buried. Sometimes keeping the drain blocked is better than having the pipes explode.

With an exasperated sigh, his hands pushed him off the firm mattress and to his feet. He grabbed his glasses off the nightstand. Soft footsteps echoed through the dark halls of the Carte Blanche as Nureyev made his way around. A hot drink would help clear his mind.

As Peter felt the warmth of the mug seep into his cupped hands, he breathed a sigh of relief. All the static bouncing around his brain seemed to drift away within seconds of the first sip. A bitter taste exploded across his tongue and lapped against the back of his throat. He sagged into the comfortable couch cushions, pulling his legs up and folding them under his body. Despite the chill in the air he still managed to walk around shirtless.

The darkness began to suffocate him just ever-so-slightly. It wrapped around him with the thickness of a woollen blanket, harbouring his body. Time almost didn't seem to have a grip on him as he sat there in the jet-black darkness. He rubbed his weary, tired eyes and hoped the caffeine would seep into his bones soon enough. At least then his intrusive thoughts would fade away with his consciousness. Whenever the world went dark, Nureyev's demons came to life. The echo of blood-curdling screams that haunted his nightmares for years seemed to be bouncing around his skull. It was like a game of pinball in there. Lost pleas seemed to drown out the soft hum of the engine. All the voices of people he couldn't save or of people he willingly took down. No matter who they were, he regretted every single one. There were some things you just couldn't file under 'For Future Consideration', especially when it was 3 am and you were alone with your thoughts.

It was time for Nureyev to reorganize that filing cabinet.

But he was so scared to even open the first draw. Each crack, each crevasse, jammed full of papers. If he even removed one letter all the rest would come cascading out. He would have to face it all; Every horrible pent up emotion he had been saving and bottling up for decades. It would be a whirlwind of pain and he might not be strong enough to take it. Maybe another day. Yet every day he put it off, that avalanche of anguish grew in size.

Nureyev sighed, taking another sip of his coffee, letting the warmth soak into his hands. The hum of the engine purred rhythmically as he took in the darkness of his home. He said that word again in his head. Home. It was strange for him to finally have a home. He had been voluntarily homeless almost his entire life and the feeling of finally having a place to return to after a long day was a baffling one. He wasn't quite used to the concept. Especially now that he was with others almost constantly. He'd been a solo act (for good reason) for years now. Sure, here and there he would team-up with an unsuspecting bank clerk or a hot-headed detective for his heists but those were (mainly) short-lived. Teamwork wasn't really his style but now he had to will himself to get used to it. If he didn't, it could be not only his but everybody else on board the Carte Blanche's downfall.

God, that detective. An idle smile played on Nureyev's lips as he racked his brain, remembering the first time they met. He could recall almost every detail perfectly and he nearly hated himself for it. Everything about Detective Juno Steel mesmerised him from the minute he stepped foot in his apartment. That cynical, pessimistic attitude he carried himself with was definitely intriguing. Nureyev spent those first few hours just trying to decipher what made him tick. Juno Steel was an interesting puzzle and he seemed to be the ghost of his mistakes; The encounter with Cecil Kanagawa taught him as much. Nureyev still remembered feeling Juno's muscles tense when the one-armed psycho mentioned his brother. From what he could tell, Steel beats himself up over every little mistake. He felt like he 'deserved it' and that drove Peter wild. It seemed like Juno was always trying to find a new way to punish himself, like with Miasma and the bomb. Juno was fully prepared to give up everything and sacrifice himself while Peter was forced to bear witness. It wouldn't hit Nureyev until hours later that it was Juno's way of trying to go out in a heroic blaze of glory in attempts to make up for his mistakes.

Everything about Steel drove him insane.

But that was the old Juno and a lot can happen in a year.

The Juno Steel that he knew now is definitely different from the old Juno. Not a bad different, either. He was enjoying the fact that Juno seemed to have lost pounds of baggage. The detective seemed to even be lighter on his feet. Nureyev knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park, joining up with Juno Steel again. When Juno left, it felt like he took a piece of Peter with him. For months on end, Nureyev aimlessly travelled the galaxy trying to find that piece of himself again. After every new heist, each new piece of priceless something-or-rather stolen, he still felt that hollowness. There always felt like there was something missing and Nureyev couldn't admit to what it was. It had been the same thing that was missing for a long time; A real connection. No matter how many warm bodies end up in your bed the only real thing they do is keep the sheets warm. Sometimes you need to feel like you have somebody to rely on. Deep down, Nureyev knew he was plagued with loneliness. The rational part of him still regrets giving up his name to the first person who showed even the slightest interest. But that was only 1%. The rest of his being didn't regret a single thing about how it went with Juno Steel except the ending. He hated the ending of the story but that's okay because it started with an alright scene.

If only Nureyev could spit out the words. If only he could string together enough coherent sentences to convey his feelings to that goddamn lady who never left his thoughts. Feelings... They were never really his thing. Understanding them or communicating them. Yet as his chest seized up and he got that searing feeling in his eyes, he knew he was about to crash.

This never used to happen. He was so good at suppressing his emotions for so long but after the Miasma incident, everything was different. Nureyev ran his fingers over the scars, the marks, left behind from the days worth of torture he'd endured. Before he always used to be so careful not to put himself in harm's way. Sometimes it's unavoidable, you have to deal with a few broken noses when you make a wrong move. You only make that mistake once, though. Afterwards, you learn. Yet here he was, covered in scars that will never really fade from an adventure that just left him more broken than when it began.

Did he regret it? That was the question he was never able to answer. He regretted how it ended definitely, but the journey that took him there? Every time he thought he came up with the correct answer, it'd change. There was always a difference between drunkenly sobbing Juno's name to a bar-tender who was just trying to do his job and smashing things in a hotel room in a fit of rage. For months on end, he'd been quietly questioning himself, trying to string together two lists; One for regrets and one for blessings. Yet the lists seemed to contradict each other on a daily basis. Nureyev swore he regretted ever even meeting Juno Steel but his heart said otherwise. He said he didn't regret putting himself in harm's way to keep Juno alive but the scars all over his body begged to differ. Week after week, Peter had nightmares of Miasma and her goons... The pain that they caused him. Some nights were worse than others, of course; Flashbacks of burning hot white pain lashed across his body as if he was back in that cold, dark room with that same deck of cards.

After he escaped, he didn't want to waste any time in case Juno got murdered before he got back but that didn't stop him from hesitating. The complete fear he was plagued by hindered his ability to think straight for days. He knew he had to go back for Detective Steel's sake but he was so afraid of undergoing the same treatment he went through last time. He was so scared to get hurt but saving Juno Steel made the fear worth it. He struck as soon as he could and if he'd been a moment later, Juno would've died.

But then Juno Steel left Nureyev without a goodbye. The lady left him, alone, sleeping in that hotel room like nothing that ever happened. Like he didn't just infiltrate and return to a place that traumatised worse than anything he's ever experienced just to save him. Like he didn't just save his life. Even after they said they'd run away together. Even after Nureyev admitted that he... God, he felt so embarrassed for weeks. Juno Steel was a reminder of why Peter Nureyev was a solo act. All other people do is slow you down. They steal your secrets, they break your heart and they take off in the middle of the night without even telling you why. That is why, under no circumstances, do you ever let anybody in. You keep your walls up, regardless of what your heart is telling you.

Nureyev was crying now, tears cascading down his cheeks as he silently sobbed into his hand. The half-drunken (now cold) coffee lay forgotten on the table. His glasses got foggy. He tried to shake off the overwhelming feeling of dread that clung to him.

"Nureyev..?"

Juno's voice was soft and plagued with sleep. Peter cocked his head to see him standing there. His hair was messy and tussled and his eye seemed to glisten in the low light of stars. Nureyev's stomach did a somersault.

He quickly wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. "Juno... What are you doing up at this hour?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing." He took a seat on the other side of the couch, bringing his knees up to his chest. "Couldn't sleep?"

"Yes, something like that."

Juno glanced at the mug on the table. "Is that... Were you drinking coffee at this hour?"

"We're flying aimlessly through space, Juno. Time is relative."

He gave a soft laugh. It was one of the happiest sounds Peter had ever heard. He felt a pang go off in his chest. Dammit, dammit, dammit! Juno got to his feet and walked towards the wall of glass, a red glow cast upon his face. "Strange... I've never seen Mars like this before."

Nureyev tried to gain his composure but the tears kept falling from his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. "It's fascinating, isn't it? Views like this really know how to make you feel... insignificant." His voice was hoarse and broken.

"Yeah, you can barely see Hyperion from up here... Nureyev, are you-"

Juno turned to Peter and met his eyes. Nureyev stared at him, taking in every detail of his soft expression and his heart broke into pieces like he was alone in that hotel room again. He broke down into a sob, his whole body shaking. His knees buckled underneath him as he clamped his hand over his mouth.

Maybe it was time for him to have that conversation with Juno Steel.


End file.
